"Okay." Mike stood in front of Xander, his face covered in a thick layer of multi-colored grease paint. "Now, just stand in the circle."

Xander flicked a glance at the timer on the computer monitor. Five minutes to showtime. "Shouldn't we be getting to the playing field?"

Mike rolled his eyes. "That's what we're doing, dude. Now stand still."

Xander blinked. "You're magicking me to the playing field?"

"Duh," Steve grinned at him from over Mike's shoulder. Xander lifted his stick again, but the geek didn't seem to notice. "This isn't Dragonball Z. We're not gonna just walk down the block and find ourselves in a gladiator arena. They set a place up in the creative ether."

"Right." Xander lowered his stick. "And who, exactly, are ‘they'?"

"The organizers of the tournament." Mike put his hands on Xander's shoulder and steered him into the chalk-dust circle on the old carpet. Xander shrugged his hands off, but Mike was already shaking his "magic bone" at him. "They got together the best writers they could find and designed a whole universe for the tournament to take place in. That way, we don't have to worry about the fade effect in RL."

The room started to swirl, making Xander more than a little nauseous. As he doubled over, he caught a glimpse of Mike, Steve, and Frank grinning at him. "Good luck, dude!"

And the whole world shifted to the left.

Xander took several deep breaths in hopes of keeping the remains of his hasty lunch of a tuna sandwich down. When he was no longer in danger of embarrassing himself in front of god-knew how many other "fictional" characters, he straightened.

He was standing in the midst of some kind of lobby. The walls were a dingy white color and covered with banners announcing the various teams. People and creatures of all shapes and sizes were scattered about the room with him, all looking about as bewildered as he felt. He locked eyes with someone wearing a very realistic looking Magneto costume, then blinked.

Make that he locked eyes with MAGNETO. The Omega level mutant scowled back at him, and he grinned sheepishly. "Uh, good luck in the tournament, Mags!"

The scowl deepened. Xander cast about for someone to help him. He was NOT in anyway prepared to take on the X-men's arch-nemesis. At least his stick wasn't made of metal.

"Now, now," A nondescript man wearing a suit and holding a clipboard stepped in front of the frowning mutant. "You know the rules, Magneto. There will be no violence outside of the Arena." The man turned around to look at Xander. Xander blinked.

Nondescript was really, seriously, the ONLY way to describe the guy. Someone hadn't wasted a lot of creative power in making him up. Xander got the vague impression of glasses, but that was about it.

"Ah. Alexander Lavelle Harris."

Xander winced. "It's Xander, actually."

The man frowned. Sort of. "Our list indicates that SMG Teacozy entered Alexander Lavelle Harris."

"Yeeeeeeah. But I go by Xander."

"Of course, Alexander Lavelle Harris." The man clasped his clipboard to his chest. "I am the Man. I am acting as the liaison to all of the champions. If you will follow me, I will take you to the Arena. Your first battle is in 4 minutes and 37 seconds. We have very little time to spare. 35 seconds."

Xander trailed after him. The Man lead him into a dingy, white hallway, also filled with characters. They passed Fox Mulder, Flash Gordon, Chris O'Donnell wearing a blue musketeers robe, and Optimus Prime. Xander concentrated on keeping his eye in his head and his jaw off the floor.

A blast of red light shot across the hallway at shin level and Xander jumped back. The Man turned and leveled a blank stare at a small, brown bear with a large red heart in the middle of its white stomach. "Tender Heart Bear. There are specified training facilities in the Town. You will have to take your care bear stare there."

The Man actually said that with a straight face. Xander couldn't help but be impressed.

"The Town?" He jogged to catch up with the Man as he walked down the hallway. "You mean there's more to this place than . . . this?"

"Yes, Alexander Lavelle Harris. There is. You will have time to explore the Town and the surrounding Forest after your match, should your team leader allow it." The Man stopped in front of a plain, brown doorway. "This will lead you to the Arena. Your battle against--" The Man checked his clipboard. "Honey Suckle will commence in one minute and 56 seconds. Are you prepared?"

"Wait, wait, no," Xander ran a hand through his hair, careful not to upset his eyepatch. "That's a mistake. I was told I was fighting Count Duckula."

"Team Duckpire's check bounced. Count Duckula is no longer in the running. You will be battling Honey Suckle."

Xander shook his head sharply. "Who the hell is Honey Suckle? I'm not prepared for this!" He brandished his stick in the Man's face, and didn't receive so much as a flinch in reaction. "You've got to give me more information?"

"Your battle will commence in 1 minute and 13 seconds." The Man looked at Xander. "Do you wish to forfeit?"

"What? No, I--"

"Your battle will commence in 51 seconds. I recommend that you take the field, Alexander Lavelle Harris."

Xander stared at him for a long moment, before deciding that a man who was simply named the Man, didn't speak in contractions, refused to use nicknames, and hadn't even warranted a real face probably wasn't capable of bluffing. "Can I call you Manny?"

"Your battle will commence in 36--"

"Alright, alright, I'm going!" Xander threw his arms up, spun, and stepped through the door.

And found himself standing in the middle of a bare, dirt field, surrounded by stands filled with screaming fans. An announcer bellowed over the loudspeaker.

"Welcome one and all to the first annual Masters of the Multi-verse competition!"

The screaming of the fans got even louder. Xander fought the urge to cover his ears.

"In this corner, straight off the bus from the mouth of hell, the one, the only, the oh-so-very human . . . ." The announcer paused for drama. "That's right, Multi-verse fans, let's hear it for Buffy the Vampire Slayer's ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS!"

Xander decided he would have to do something drastic to his team for registering him under his full name.

"And in this corner, fluttering in from Flutter Valley and nearly twenty years of being off the air . . . . Please give it up for Honey Suckle, the Flutterpony!"

Xander spun in place. Behind him stood a very pink pony with insect wings. A very confused and annoyed looking pink pony, with a darker pink mane and tail, a bright pink ribbon, large pink eyes, and an arrangement of pink flowers on her haunches. He shut his eye and shook his head.

"No way. There is no way I'm fighting a My Little Pony."

Honey Suckle reared up onto her hind legs, her front legs kicking in the air. She screamed and took to the sky, her wings making a joyful tinkling noise, and hurtled herself at Xander.

"If you think I'm going to let you steal our sunstone and turn my home into a dark, gloomy place, you've got another think coming, buster!"

Xander dove into the dirt. "Steal your WHAT?"

"Don't you play dumb with me! My friends told me what you're after. Like I told Marigold and Rose Dust, time and time again, you can't just let people walk all over you! It's time to take action!"

The pony dove at him again, and once again Xander found himself face first in the dirt. It was fortunately tasteless. Much like the idea of pitching him against a freakin' MY LITTLE PONY.

"I'm not after your sunstone! You've been lied to!"

Honey Suckle wasn't listening. She dove at him again, and the crowd in the stands went wild. He raised his stick in defense and caught her on the right front . . . hoof-thing. The pony shrieked and took off higher in the air.

Xander struggled to his feet, dusting himself off. He stared up at the pony, who favored her leg, even in midair, and glowered back at him. He threw down his stick and held his hands out to the sides.

"What's this?" The announcer's voice boomed over the field. "That's a brave move by Alexander Lavelle Harris. What could his game plan be?"

"Look!" Xander held his arms out wider. Honey Suckle stared at him, as if looking to see if it was a trick. He swallowed.

My Little Pony was a children's show. He'd never watched it personally, but Willow had been VERY into it. Unfortunately, that had been during the time that she wasn't quite speaking to him, after he stole her Barbie. But he was pretty sure that the ponies weren't into violence.

"Can we talk about this?"

Honey Suckle blinked. "You want to talk?"

"Yeah?"

"But," Honey Suckle fluttered herself to the ground. "You're a Bad Guy."

Xander smiled softly and shook his head. "No, I'm not. You have no idea what's going on, do you?"

Honey Suckle's eyes narrowed. "My new friends told me that I was here to fight against people who wanted to destroy my home. They said you were evil."

"Then they lied to you." Xander took a hesitant step forwards. He swallowed again. This had to work. "This is . . . it's like a game, to them. They want us to fight. To the death."

Honey Suckle turned a lighter shade of pink. "D-death?"

"Yeah." He aimed for sympathy. "There's not a lot of death where you come from, is there."

"Flutter Valley is a happy place. We mostly just get caught in nets and have to use our wits and friends to get us out."

"That's good, that's good." Xander took another step forward. Friends were important in kids shows. If he could get Honey Suckle to decide they were friends, he might be able to win an ally. "Friends are very important. I want to get back to my friends."

"What-what happened to your friends?" Honey Suckle's voice dripped with sadness. It was working.

"I don't know. I was taken away from them, like you were taken away from Flutter Valley. My home was destroyed. I don't want to destroy anyone else's home."

"Oh." Honey Suckle lowered her head. "Then--then my new friends lied to me?"

"Yeah." Xander took the final step forward to stand face to face with the pony. She came up to somewhere around his lower ribs. He patted her on her shortened, strangely bulbous horse head. "Doesn't sound like they're very good friends."

The crowd in the arena had fallen silent, as though hovering in anticipation. Xander weighed his options. He could try to strike now, while Honey Suckle trusted him, and win his first battle. He could forfeit, but that would mean giving himself up to whatever team decided it would be fun to tell an innocent pony that he was going to destroy her home. Both options made him feel slightly sick, and more than a little foolish.

His brain rebelled against the very idea that he was standing here, talking to a life-sized talking pink horse. With insect wings. And a little heart on her foreleg. He was never, ever going to live this down.

"Listen." He leaned in close to the horse's ear. "I have an idea, that might help us get back to my friends and yours just a little bit faster."

"I'd like that."

"Yeah. Me too." He rolled his eye inwardly. His bad-ass cred, while never on terribly steady footing, was going way down the toilet with this one. "I'd like to be your friend."

Honey Suckle's eyes shone. "I'd like that, too."

"Then forfeit the fight. Join me, and we can get home just a little bit faster, and no one has to get hurt."

Honey Suckle took a step backwards. "You mean, quit?" She shook her head. "But quitters never prosper!"

"It's not quitting!" Xander held his hands up again. "It's more like a tactical retreat."

"Tack-tic-al retreat?"

"Yeah. You just say that you forfeit, and then you can join my team and we'll get ourselves home."

Honey Suckle looked up at the sky, as though considering.

"I, um," Xander rubbed at the skin just below his eyepatch. "I think Merry-go-round and Rose Petal would approve."

"Marigold and Rose Dust."

"Them, too,"

Honey Suckle looked him in the eye. "And you'll be my friend?"

"I'd like to think I already am."

She nodded sharply. "Right then." She took off into the sky, her wings tinkling, and faced the crowd. "I forfeit!"

The crowd stayed silent. Xander crossed his fingers.

"Well." The announcer's voice, still booming, sounded bemused. "Honey Suckle of Flutter Valley forfeits to Alexander Lavelle Harris of Sunnydale! Alexander Lavelle Harris is the winner! Honey Suckle will now join SMG Teacozy, as per the rules of the Masters of the Multi-verse challenge!"

The crowd erupted into halfhearted, slightly confused cheers. Xander grinned at them. "Take that, loser geeks!"

Honey Suckle fluttered to a landing beside him and pressed her forehead against his shoulder. "You're my good friend, Alexanderlavelleharris."

Xander winced. "Please. Just call me Xander."

"WHAT did you do?"

Xander spun around from where he and Honey Suckle were relaxing after the "battle". The winner's lounge was small, windowless, and of course, dingy and white. Mike, Steve, and Frank all stared at him. "Hey guys, how was the Bat-Off?"

"The Michael Keaton Batman won." Frank sounded distinctly bored. He eyed Honey Suckle with suspicion. "And you're cuddling with a pink horse."

"This is Honey Suckle, the flutterpony. Count Duckula's team got booted."

Steve was blinking very quickly. He stared at Honey Suckle, as though he wondered if someone had slipped something "extra" into his latest stash. Mike just looked angry.

"What did you do?" He repeated.

"Honey Suckle and I talked about it and decided we'd rather be friends than fight. She forfeited."

Steve continued blinking. "So, you won, right?"

"Yeah."

Steve burst into his wide, half-aware grin. "Dude!" He slapped Xander on the shoulder. "You rule!"

"He doesn't rule!" Mike spun on Steve. "He TALKED his way out of fighting."

"And still won." Xander threw an arm around Honey Suckle's neck. "Go team SMG Teacozy."

"I don't see what all the fuss is about." The group turned to see two young women walking into the winner's lounge. "After all, you now have two champions. We don't have any."

Xander smirked at Frank, who was watching the taller, larger-breasted of the two with a distinctly hungry expression. "Ah, Frank, you're drooling." He gestured at the tall one. "Guys, meet Mehri," He swung his arm towards the shorter, redheaded woman. "And Susan. Team Paradise Estate."

Mike sneered at them. "You chose a My Little Pony as your champion. You deserve to lose."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Whatever. We're in this for FUN, or did you miss the memo? We thought it would be funny."

"Besides." Mehri grinned. "Honey Suckle here is a FLUTTER pony. Not a My Little Pony."

"And," Susan wrapped a companionable arm over Mike's shoulder. Xander smirked as Mike moved his eyes from her breasts to her face in what looked like a conscious move. "Your team now has three new members. This is a good thing."

"Right." Mike tugged at his t-shirt's collar. "Well, if Honey Suckle's going to be joining you in battle, we'll have to get some armor, er," He shot a glance at Mehri and Susan. "Knocked up. So to speak. And maybe a saddle."

Honey Suckle looked confused. "Why do I need armor?"

Xander patted her on the mane. "It's just for protection. Not everyone we go up against is going to want to be our friend. Now." He turned his glance to the geeks and ladies. "Let's get back to RL. I'm going to have to fill you in on the new game plan."